My sister, Tammy and I were always dragged from pillar to post. As newlyweds, Daddy and my stepmother, Ellen, provided a home for Tammy and me although we would sometimes shuffle between them, Jackie, my mother, and Mama, my grandmother, all the while changing schools. We were the poster family for the dysfunctional. My mother, Jackie, was gay and a drug addict. I was always the smart kid, the fat kid, the new kid, the bad kid, and the dyke’s kid. I was constantly picked on. I got into fight after fight and developed a reputation that culminated, by the sixth grade, with me having to leave school 15 minutes before everyone in the whole school so that I would not get into a fight. I developed a serious chip on my shoulder. I was always in defense mode. My mind became sharpened with witty comebacks when I was verbally attacked. I always had a comeback. People were always talking about me, so I was always at the ready with a tongue lashing, until it came to the blows of a fight.

My defensive attitude led me to where I am now. It led me to wanting to prove everyone wrong when I became an honor roll student. It led me to try to single myself out and above others through my academic pursuits. I might be fat; I might be a dyke’s kid, but look at you. Becoming an honor roll student was like brandishing a weapon. I might not be skinny, popular, or pretty, but I was a standout in my own right. I guess that I thought being an honor roll student would camouflage me. Maybe they would not notice my dysfunctional family if I kept on achieving awards. Maybe they would not notice how fat I was if I made good grades. Maybe I could distract them—do a little slight of hand. Keep them busy in the commotion of my academic performance, so they won’t see how lonely, depressed, and miserable I am.

I used my weapon all through high school and college. It was something that set me apart from the average person—mere mortals. It made me special, but one other major event kicked my pridefulness to the next level. That happened when at the age of 35 my weight ballooned to over 400 pounds. I had gastric bypass surgery and lost almost 200 pounds. The weight loss was rapid and in less than 6 months, I lost the first 100 pounds. For years I was always the big fat sister. Now I was getting attention—I was becoming popular. I had never experienced the compliments and the attention that men were giving me. Not ugly men or average men, but fine men who never noticed me before. I had never experienced such power.

That whole experience was very intoxicating. In one fell swoop, I went from being a wallflower to the belle of the ball. I became addicted to the lifestyle. I crowned myself diva. I should have been humble and I should have allowed God to lift me up instead of me lifting myself up. “For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation.”—Psalm 149:4. I developed a diva complex even to the point of having the word diva shaved into my head (I wore my hair very, very short). I kept my nails and feet done, hair cut, and I was always dressed to the nines. I reveled in me being me. I should have reveled in God being God. I should have let there be less of me and more of Him. I needed to recognize that without Him I am nothing. “Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?” declares the Lord. “This is the one I esteem; he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.”—Isaiah 66:2.

The Lord giveth and Lord taketh away. I have gained about 80 pounds of my weight back. I guess the Lord is telling me that until I can learn the lesson that He is everything and I am nothing and to keep the proper prospective, then I don’t need to be a size where I can get caught up in more pride. Maybe once I can thoroughly embrace that concept, He will bless me in not only that area, but other areas in my life. “The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and exalts.”—I Samuel 2:7. The fact that I am now in a homeless shelter shows that God is humbling me. I know that He is hoping that this experience will teach me that I am nothing without Him. He is the Potter and I am the clay. The clay does not suddenly become the Potter. The clay does not tell the Potter what to do—the Potter molds the clay. “You turn things upside down as if the Potter were thought to be like the clay. Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it?”—Isaiah 29:16. Without the Potter shaping and molding the clay, it’s just a formless lump. The Potter makes it special. If I’m special, it’s by God’s design—not mine. “When prides comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”—Proverbs 11:2. “Yet O, Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay and You are the Potter. We are all the work of your hand.”—Isaiah 64:8

Now as I begin my walk with God, I am learning that some of the characteristics I have been exhibiting are not in line with what God wants and expects. I am now cognizant of the flaws I’ve mentioned above and will prayerfully work with God’s help to change my ways. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.”—I Peter 5:6 I know that the transformation will not be overnight, but with Him, all things are possible.

So in the future, I will consult Him when a decision concerning my life needs to be made. I will consult Him when in the past I would have consulted with no one—let alone God, and if I were successful in my endeavor, it was all me—not God. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”—Proverbs 3:5-6.

I need to get into the practice of giving Him the glory whenever good fortune befalls me. I need to audibly thank Him and Jesus. Instead of pumping up my own head I need to pump up Jesus. “I will extol the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.”—Psalm 34:1-2.

So, in the last ninety days, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that there are a lot of things I still need to work on. A lot of the baggage from my past affected me negatively, and caused me to make decisions that were detrimental to my well-being. I pray that God orders my steps and leads me down the path that He wants me to go. I pray the that He reveals my true purpose. I pray that He shows me the way.

My plan of action is to bring my life in line with God’s and to stay steadfast in his Word. I want the Holy Spirit to infiltrate my whole being and to transform me into a new creation. “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—that is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing, and perfect will.”—Romans 12:1-2. “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”—II Corinthians 3:18. By using these scriptures along with others, I can combat my predilection with pride and stop giving Satan ammunition by succumbing to his will—not God’s. I now see that I was allowing myself to be Satan’s warrior by letting pride overtake me. “People cannot see their own mistakes. Forgive me for the secret sins. Keep me from the sins of pride; don’t let them rule me. Then I can be pure and innocent of the greatest of sins.”—Psalm 19:12-13.

By following God’s Word, the benefits that I can anticipate are phenomenal. By aligning my life with what He wants, I can expect having eternal life with Him in Heaven. That’s one concept that I can truly grasp. The way I was living before accepting Christ is frightening; I had in my possession a one-way ticket to hell. God’s mercy and grace have made that ticket null and void. His unmerited favor has saved me from myself. I’m glad to be considered a Christian, and God’s humble servant. “But because of His great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead with transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”—Ephesians 2:5.

© 2005 Denise R. Black

divarifficdenise@yahoo.com