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I Never Held You
by Ellen M. Dubois I'm not a doctor, but I know what it is to miscarry. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I can tell you about the pain and grief that accompany a miscarriage. I'm not an expert in anything except this: I've had a miscarriage, and I know firsthand what it feels like. I know of the pain and guilt. I've lived those days when you wonder why and come up empty handed. I know how lonely and isolated you can feel. I know what it's like to have your grief dismissed--because there was never a baby 'seen'. And, I have learned that there's a lot of grieving, growing, letting go and moving forward that needs to happen.

For your sake.

I felt very alone in my grief. I didn't know (back then) that there were support groups for women who miscarried. I didn't have access to the Internet and all of its resources. I couldn't find any books telling he how to get on with my life after miscarrying.

Let me say this: Your grief is very real, and you are entitled and need to go through the process. You have suffered a tremendous loss and to deny yourself the chance to grieve serves only to prolong your agony. This is not something that can be tucked into the far recesses of your heart and mind. Why? Because it'll eat you up inside.

Allow yourself to feel!

It's a very natural thing to blame yourself when you suffer a miscarriage. I did. I wracked my brain in a futile attempt to come up with some answers. Anything. Nothing the doctor said could convince me that there wasn't something I did to make this happen.

When I couldn't find blame within myself--or at least a concrete event that I could somehow link to my miscarriage--my anger turned to God. Yes, God. How could He let this happen? Why? What did I do to deserve this?

Over time, however, I learned to stop blaming God. I don't want to preach to you, but, to those of you who are looking to God for answers, you'll probably never know. In retrospect, I can now look back and realize that it was all a part of the plan for my life and accept that, as painful as it may be.

Acknowledge your pain. Feel it. But, please stop blaming yourself, God, or anyone else.

� Ellen M. Dubois
excerpted from the book, I Never Held You, published by DLSIJ Press. The entire book which offers counsel on letting go and moving on can be downloaded from the DLSIJ website. You can reach Ellen at EL52166@aol.com