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Meditation 8: Make "I Statements"
- The most effective way to communicate to another person is by taking responsibility for how you think, feel, and behave. This meditation involves your assessment of how well you took ownership for your thoughts, feelings, and actions while communicating to another person. Did you blame him or her for your thoughts, feelings, and actions? By meditating on how you can assert your views while taking ownership for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you can begin to develop a dialogue that will get the attention of those you engage.
Visualize how you would communicate to someone using the format for "I statements." You may find this difficult to do, or you may think it is silly. However, as you become better at this type of communication, you will discover its effectiveness. Saying, "I became mad because I did not appreciate when you called me a pushover" is a better way to communicate than saying, "You are an idiot." The key to this skill is not to blame others for how you think, feel, and act and not to make personal attacks. This does not mean that you cannot identify another's behavior that brought about your thought, feeling, or behavior. The key is not to blame his behavior for your response. You chose to feel, think, and act in the way you did. This may sound similar, but it has a better impact on the receiver of this message.
This style of communication will help you to identify specific behaviors that contribute to your feelings. This will force you to think in a rational way. Your tendency will be to blame another person for your negative feelings, when in fact his or her actions did not warrant this type of response from you. By following the format for an "I statement," you will be forced to compare your feelings to specific actions by the other person. You may think twice before making statements like, "I become so angry when you ask me to spend time with you" or "I become so angry because you do not want me to drink alcohol." "I statements" are a good way for you to gauge if the statement should be made or not. Reflect on those times when you have been angry. What did the other person do to make you choose to be angry? Did he want your attention or tell you the truth about how unloving, disrespectful, or dishonest you are? This type of processing will help you to look at the situation in a rational way. When in doubt, follow the fourth meditation.
This skill will take practice and can be done each day in a meditation where you visualize conversations you have with others. This method also is instrumental in communicating positive sentiments. "You make me happy" does not communicate the message as effective as "I feel happy because I enjoy your company and the way you value my opinion." By communicating sentiments of love, respect, and honesty in the form of an "I statement," you will catch the other person's attention and discover how powerful and meaningful communication really is.
© 2002 Jay Krunszyinsky
The resource this came from is my book, I'm Sorry: Repairing a Hurtful Relationship.
Publisher: Word Association Publishers
ISBN: 1-932205-02-0
November 11, 2002
Pages referenced 85-97