Posted by Kim Kristensen on May 06, 2001 at 06:47:54:
I’m a man, and I have worked around men all my life. Always thought I got along with them just fine. When it came to feelings, I let other men see my sense of humor, some joy, my confidence, and my anger when necessary. No man (and not many women) had ever seen me cry, express fear, laugh uncontrollably, feel shame, or experience sadness.
My past experiences with men consisted of meaningless banter, trying to impress one another with our vast knowledge of the world, locker room talk, etc. Very little deep communication, feelings, emotional honesty ever filtered through the tough masks we wore. Touch from men was either a handshake, a pat on the back, or a fist in the face. Hugs were rare, quick, and awkward.
I found my need for a place to have emotions expressed in my relationship with women. I “used” them to vicariously experience the feelings I could not express. And I loved to please them so I could get that wonderful attention, approval, and safe touch that I thought was only available through women.
I began to realize just how uncomfortable I really was around men. I had to put all this energy into keeping up some kind of image. I was afraid my sensitivity and desire to express real feelings would be interpreted as being weak, or crazy, and that my “feminine” (receptive, creative, emotional) side yearning to be expressed meant I was latently homosexual.
One change occurred when I ended up with a new roommate, Peter, who sometimes dared to hug me and look deeply into my eyes with brotherly love. I was so afraid to receive it, yet I longed for this connection that I would only allow myself in the presence of women. When I entered into conscious relationship with my partner, Lizbeth, I was faced with the fact that she could not (and would not) carry the total weight of my neediness to connect to this part of myself. In fact, this was the primary cause of the end of previous relationships. I would project my emotional neediness onto the woman, and when she could not stand it any longer I would bail out.
I came to realize that I needed to explore my relationship with men, not even realizing the impact it would have on my relationship with women.
And, so, I joined a men’s group. It was uncomfortable, but I found I could feel safe when I would engage the other men with conversation. I began to get more comfortable with being hugged. And, I heard the other men’s stories – their losses, their regrets, their desires to be heard and felt, their failed relationships, their loneliness, their anger, and their joy. As they told their stories and expressed their feelings, I began to feel my own similar feelings. Eventually, I began to express my feelings in front of the other men, receiving their understanding and compassion.
Now, as I continue my “work” in men’s groups, I am learning to be vulnerable in front of other men – learning to allow feelings that I would have normally repressed or projected onto my partner. As a result, I am feeling more relaxed around other men. I don’t worry as much if they see that I am human and have feelings. And, I can connect with their feelings more easily. I can really see them. I have learned some measure of compassion for my fellow man and myself.
My relationship with women is changing because my relationship to my inner feminine is changing. Through this self-connection, I am finding more of the nurturing I needed inside myself and in the men’s circle. I am not always requiring my partner to carry this part of me, so she can relax and be herself. I can better see and respect her as a unique individual with her own qualities and needs. The result is most wonderful: our level of intimacy is increasing. I can truly see her as a partner on this journey together.
I directly attribute my growing intimacy with my partner, my fellow man, and myself to my Men’s Circle work. And couldn’t we all use a little more intimacy?
Born and raised in the circus by my immigrant performer parents, I traveled extensively throughout the U. S., Mexico, and Canada as an acrobat, bareback horse rider, and aerialist. At age 24, I ran away from the circus and joined "normal" life.
My passion for understanding and discovery took me to the Upper Amazon where I worked with several shaman, and to numerous workshops on relationships, communications, men's groups, entheobotany, transpersonal psychology, breathwork, Tantra, bodywork, etc. My relationship with my partner and lover, artist/writer/performer Lizbeth Clay, has been (and continues to be) the most powerful and rewarding learning experience of my life. The fire of conscious relationship is not for the feint of heart!
I have a Bachelor's Degree in Management and am currently working on a Master's in Liberal Arts, concentrating on Transpersonal Psychology. I currently facilitate two men's groups in the Roanoke area - The New Men's Circle and the Circle of Men.