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Reactionary or Revolutionary
I had a bad case of thin skin and shallow thinking--you know the kind--so transparent you could see there was nothing inside. It was terribly embarrassing, so I tried to make adjustments that would conceal the emptiness.
Not knowing how to become something solid, something real, I reacted to other's opinions. Everything about me was reactionary. I reacted to this one's criticism; then I reacted to that one's criticism but no matter how dizzily I spun in circles of accommodation, you could still see through me.
I tried so hard to be something. It was so exhausting and so frustrating. Eventually I got so tired, I threw up my hands and cried out that it was hopeless. There was no use trying to be what anyone wanted me to be. There was no pleasing anyone.
In my typical reactionary stance, I went from trying to please all the way to the other extreme--I rebelled against anything and everything.
As we all know, that's no solution either. When the confusion and the exhaustion from the befuddled mess overwhelmed me, I had no choice but to slow and to let go.
LET GO!?!
Yeah, let go of it all and be comfortable being the way I'm supposed to be. If I am supposed to be transparent, cool! Chameleon's have great survival instincts.
The wonderful thing about letting go is having no choice but to turn everything over to God then gradually realizing the unformed spirit is joined by and infused with the strength of the Holy Spirit.
Strength, resolve, purpose, passion for the purpose I have been given--where did those things come from anyway? I feel different; I feel changed. But how did I change? I didn't do anything
or did I?
Did I really let go?
"A humble man can do great things with an uncommon perfection because he is no longer concerned about incidentals, like his own interests and his own reputation, and therefore he no longer needs to waste his efforts in defending them." --Thomas Merton
Jane Mullikin
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