If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Bill Cosby

"only a step-dad"

My first experience with being a step-dad was with four kids, all under the age of five. When my marriage eventually ended, I became “only a step-dad.” These words hurt. I was not a great dad, but I was the only dad they knew.

I taught them how to ride bikes, how to tie their shoes. I watched their basketball and softball games. Not cause I had to, but because they were my children and I was proud of the young adults they were turning into. By the time I got divorced the children were now aged from 9 to 14 years. I helped raise these kids and now I felt cheated. I missed their teenage years, their first love, their first car, all of it because I was “only a step-dad.” Like I have said a lot of the pain with this relationship was because of my drinking, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of relationship we might have had if I was their “real dad.”

My next experience at being a step-dad was with a family of three. Two boys and a girl. The two boys were already 13 and 15 years old when I came into the picture...Now, the girl--my daughter over these years – is just that - my daughter. I wasn’t there when she was created. But I’ve been here since she was five years old. I’ve gone to her T-ball games, her school musicals. I’ve sat up with her during thunderstorms, and we hugged on the side of the road as we watched my wife, her mom, pulled from her crushed car. Like any normal teenager, at times, she is a handful. But I don’t regret one moment with her, I am very proud of her, and I pray that she stays on course for a rewarding life. But, through everything we’ve been through, when times are tough – I become her “step-dad.” Never mind that her bio-dad has very little to do with her – when times are tough she wants her “real dad.”

Like I said I don’t like that word. I am a “real dad” to a boy I haven’t seen since he was a month old. Yes, I was a “sperm-donor” to create this child. But the reality is I am not his “real dad.” His real dad is the one who cared for him and nurtured him and loved him. That is a “real dad.”

I’ve been a “real dad” to children that weren’t mine. And I am a “bio-dad” to a child I never knew. So please help step-dads everywhere and recognize what they have done and what they do. Step-dads don’t have a problem when a father is part of their child’s life – he is their dad. But if the father isn’t part of their life don’t ask about the “real dad” because you’re talking to him. Ask about the “bio-dad,” no one is hurt and you’re asking a question based on a scientific fact.

© Dave Harm
www.daveharm.com

My Real Dad

You came into my life way back when
I wasn't very trusting or accepting of men.
I'd been hurt and torn apart
By a father I loved but who broke my heart.

It's very hard to let go and trust someone new,
But I wanted a dad. I wanted to love you.
I remember being drawn to your playfulness and laughter,
Your big bear hugs and the love you showed my mother.

I know sometimes it wasn't easy for you.
I saw how hard you worked and all you struggled to do.
You're a man who takes his responsibilites seriously,
You've shown your love by giving to your family....

© 2000 Goodnesslady
www.thestarlitecafe.com

SpiritualSisters of the Internet Cafe is striving to give love, to be a place of supportive love. Visitors to the Cafe most frequently take their first table in the Message Board area. They stay, they partake, they leave something of themselves as their spirits join the nurturing force of the words on the Message Board. Thank you, each and everyone of you, for being a part of SpiritualSisters. Jane

SpiritualSisters of the Internet Cafe
www.spiritualsisters.com

There are no heroics here, no spectacular feats of spiritual accomplishment - just a steady and committed focus on God through the vehicles of prayer, labor, relationships, and study. Through the development of attitudes about such ordinary things as money, possessions, time, authority, and food, the monk (and the man or woman in the world) is radically transformed by grace.
Brian C. Taylor www.all-angels.com/index.html

© 2005 by Spiritual Sisters of the Internet Cafe. All Rights Reserved.

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